The Awakening (Phase 2: Planning The Exit)

"You’re too concerned about other people. There IS no one else. No family, no friends….only me…only us.” -JOR

I’ve always been terrible at hiding my true feelings. As much as I try to “fake it”, my involuntary facial expressions always put me on blast. It wasn’t long before JOR started noticing a change in my behavior and began questioning why I was “so distant”. He confronted me about it constantly (often with crocodile tears) anywhere we were, no matter what we were doing (while driving in the car, at the store, at restaurants, parking lots, using the bathroom, etc.), but I was reluctant to speak on it. I just wanted to be left alone. At this point, I knew he was going to use everything I said against me somehow.

For example:

If I mentioned I missed my family and friends, it was because I’m “not focusing enough on him and our marriage”.

If I said I was bored, it’s because I’m not appreciating the delusion of this “better life” he provided

.

If I mentioned that our finances were suffering it was because “I care too much about money and don’t have enough faith in God when things get difficult”.

Any statement I made that didn’t glorify him was interpreted as a direct, personal insult. No matter what my concerns were, everything came back around to being my fault. Consequently, for me it had become useless to even attempt to have reasonable conversations. It just made my life easier to sit back and listen to him relentlessly talk about himself and how great he thinks he is. I know now that he was using his (alleged) master’s degree in marriage and family counseling to his advantage by twisting my reality and creating confusion. On a daily basis I was being mentally and emotionally brutalized to the point of exhaustion. The confrontations soon spun into full blown circular arguments that had me feeling like I was on the Scrambler at the State Fair...minus the laughing and the smiling.

My sanity was constantly being compromised, and at any moment I thought my head would f*cking explode! As the arguments continued, the pressure kept building. Cathartically, what erupted was a loud, blood curdling scream released from the depths of my frustrated soul! What followed was my inevitable confession. “I used to be a vibrant, happy, fun person before all of this! I FEEL USED- LIKE I’VE BEEN PLAYED THIS WHOLE TIME!!!” At that very moment I could see this look of “oh shit” in his eyes. He knew I “woke up” and I saw the mask he so desperately tried to hide behind for years come crashing down. It was all over.

Then I paused for a moment and thought to myself “no one could hear the scream”. In most other residential circumstances, a scream like that would trigger some suspicion or concern from a neighbor or passer-by. BUT I WAS IN THE WOODS……..at the end of a cul-de-sac……in Bumblef*ck, VA! I remembered how he once facetiously told me that could get away with any crime, including murder, because he was just THAT smart. At the time I thought he was joking, but seeing him with the “mask” off, I realized that he was dead serious (pun intended). Thank GOD I never signed that $250K life insurance policy. He had successfully coerced me into marrying him, selling my home, giving him $10K, my car, and moving to VA, but some unexplained force inside me wouldn’t allow me to sign those papers. To this day, I’m not sure why I didn’t, but I believe that subconscious decision saved my life. He would often use the phrase “dead men don’t talk” when it came to self-defense. Well, dead wives don’t talk either. It would've been his word against mine, if I was left alive to have one. There wouldn’t be any human witnesses out in the woods, especially at night. There are no passers-by, no through traffic, and my nearest neighbors were about a half a football field away who could barely be seen at all though the trees. I was so far from real “civilization” that if things went far left, no one would even know. There was only us by his design which I now understand were his intentions from the beginning-to have me isolated, alone, and under his influences only. It was time to quickly and quietly start sending smoke signals.

“You’re crazy. If that’s how you feel, I’ll get divorce papers drawn up!” he said, as if it would somehow devastate me and provoke begging for forgiveness. I was devastated alright, but not because my relationship with him was ending. I was more upset about the daunting tasks ahead. What was I going to do, and how was I going to get out of this mess???!!! He was right. I was crazy, or at least I felt that way. He handed me the road map and I naively navigated while he drove me straight to Crazy Town, population 2.

A few days later he called while I was at work and suggested we get counseling from his friend/pastor/mentor who we’ll just call Dr. Awesome. Apparently, there were only two men on the planet who JOR respected and thought were “qualified to give him advice”- His father, and Dr. Awesome. Dr. Awesome and his wife Mrs. Awesome are a kind, loving, and truly God-fearing couple (Pastor and First Lady of a small church outside of Richmond) married for over 30 years. When he mentioned they were coming over to speak to us, I started preparing for the worst.

I imagined them all setting up an entire exorcism scenario like in “The Conjuring” with me at the center complete with, ropes, holy water, crucifixes, oil, ancient Latin bible, the whole nine! I prepped myself all day for the biblical beat down and the subsequent diagnosis of my demonic possession for wanting to leave the marriage. The scariest part of it all is at the time, I was so brainwashed that I believed I deserved it.

Surprisingly, that’s not what happened at all. When they arrived, they split us up and spoke to us separately. JOR went upstairs with Dr. Awesome, and I stayed with the Mrs. Awesome downstairs in the living room. As soon as we were both alone, I could see the look of concern on her face, as if she already knew what I was going to say and was just waiting for confirmation. Gifted with the spirit of discernment, Mrs. Awesome read the symptoms of abuse in my behavior and body language. The first thing she asked was “Has he hurt you?”. I was confused. I expected to immediately get berated with biblical scriptures about wives submitting to their husbands. Instead, she approached the situation with compassion and genuine concern. I, like most people, only equated abuse with acts of violence so I really didn’t know how to answer her question. I had no scrapes or bruises. I had no proof of infidelity or financial dishonesty. I was just numb and didn’t know what to feel. I felt that I could trust her, so I started telling her the story from the beginning. Tears began to flow as I began sharing the details of what had been going on and how we arrived at the decision to divorce. She looked horrified. “What about his counseling practice?” she questioned. “There is no counseling practice Mrs. Awesome, there never has been” I replied. “….But he advertised and spoke about it at our church?... Well, what about the preaching, doesn’t he have an income from that?” she asked. “Mrs. Awesome there is no preaching. The first time I ever saw him preach was when you invited him to your church a few months ago”. She suddenly realized that she and Dr. Awesome had also been victimized by his duplicitous ways. About an hour later, we all gathered in the living room to conclude our session together. Mrs. Awesome and I just kept glancing at each other while Dr. Awesome offered his words of wisdom. Whenever Dr. Awesome asked me a question, JOR constantly interjected before I could get a word in to answer. “Let her answer the questions and speak for herself” Dr. Awesome told him. He saw the mask slip off too after JOR brushed off and ignored any of their constructive criticism. Suddenly, in JOR’s eyes, Dr. Awesome was no longer qualified to give him advice. What he had planned to be spiritual attack against me ended up backfiring as every statement he made incriminated himself. With absolutely no acknowledgement of accountability on his behalf, JOR resolved that “We’re just not compatible…We come from two different worlds…we were raised differently” as if our impending separation was caused by reasons so generic. Well, no SHIT! That became obvious as our marriage progressed. My family (immediate and extended) had parties and cook-outs while his watched the weather channel entertainment. Different worlds? I’d say different galaxies. When our session was over and Dr. and Mrs. Awesome left, he turned at me as I walked up the stairs and said “Sorry I ruined your life”. I was too mentally drained to respond. At this point, I knew he wasn’t truly remorseful. It was the last attempt to manipulate me into feeling sorry that he was sorry. It didn’t work. About a half hour later I received a text from Mrs. Awesome reading` “If you need a safe haven, you can stay with us.” It was a relief to read those words, especially from a Pastor’s wife, and know that I really wasn’t crazy and my panic just days earlier was justified.

I moved into the guest room and spent my weekends apartment searching. JOR would even text me links to apartment listings in efforts to show that he was “supportive”. I managed to secure a nice 1-bedroom place in Chesterfield, VA. The move-in date was scheduled for April 18 (the day after my birthday) which was a little less than 2 months away. For a minute there he had me thinking that we’d be able to amicably part ways and move on with our lives. Not so fast. Of course, when dealing with a narcissistic sociopath, things are never that simple. Just days after, especially when he realized I was serious about leaving and his manipulative tactics were no longer effective, he decided that he would pour some salt on my emotional wounds in covert ways to get a reaction out of me. He removed me from the car insurance policy and cell phone plan (which I’d already had on my own before I was married). When that didn’t cripple me enough, he began barging into the guest room demanding I give him money. As I kept contact with him as minimal as possible, his demands got pettier and pettier to the point I couldn’t even pack my things in peace. When he saw boxes being packed, he got upset about their placement (although they were completely out of the way), and searched the contents. When I ask him to leave me alone, he threatened to take the guest room door off the hinges. I started locking the bedroom door and secretly recording our “conversations”. He sent emails to job, text messages, and voice mails harassing me about 2 dishes left in the sink. Then one early morning at 3AM, I was propelled out of my sleep by loud banging on the guest bedroom door at 3AM. “OPEN THIS DOOR! YOU”RE IN MY HOUSE AND YOU BETTER DO WHAT I TELL YOU!” It was driving him insane that he was losing control. Yeah, time was running out and April 18th was not going to come soon enough. I had to go ASAP! That same morning I got up for work, he followed me downstairs and demanded I take the 2 dishes out of the sink. I didn’t want to fight, so I put them in the dish washer. Now it was a jewelry box (his jewelry box) on the side of the couch he demanded I move. He went upstairs and I had to leave because I was running late. As I got into my car, he came running out the house shirtless and in pajama pants screaming about jewelry box ready to chase my car down. I peeled off as fast as I could on the gravel driveway. I didn’t want to tell my parents what was going on until I actually moved out, but now I felt I no choice but to tell them. Just hours before I got married, my parents told me that if things ever went awry, no matter what, I could always come back home. I never forgot those words. They foreshadowed the events to come. I tossed the virtual coin in my head and where it landed lead me to put two-weeks-notice at work and cancel the apartment. I called my Dad and told him I wanted to leave, the day, time and without hesitation, he said, “Ok, I’ll be there”. (To Be continued)