Paths: The Downside of Being an Empath and Managing My Emotions

“Nothing is more valuable than knowing who you are. Once you know that, you can do anything”-Sunni D

Hello, my name is Sunni, and I am an empath.

An empath by definition is “a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.” Sounds like bullsh*t? It’s not. It’s a very real thing. April 2019 will mark the beginning of the last year of my 30s. Most of us think we have this adulthood thing figured out by this time. That’s certainly not the case for me. From a very early age, I knew that I was a little different. I’ve never considered myself religious (church makes me itch), but I’ve always felt a strong connection to a higher power. I just didn’t know until now that there is a name for it. I didn’t choose this em“path” life (it’s not easy), but it somehow chose me.

Empaths are generally characterized as being hyper-sensitive, intuitive, emotionally expressive, compassionate, imaginative, and creative. Most empaths also have an adventurous, free spirit. I’m always on a quest to experience/discover new things, meet new people, and see places beyond my current surroundings. Possessing a free spirit combined with other aspects of my personality such as having terrible sense of direction and being utterly naïve; I have inevitably taken some wrong turns in life. As a result, I’ve wandered down many dangerous “paths”- sociopaths, psychopaths, and narcopaths (aka cluster B personality disorders). I interpreted all the pretty red flags waving in my direction as a friendly invitation (kind of like those balloons flying outside of a leasing office) to discover the wonderment that was just ahead. I believed I would find happily ever after at the end. Instead, these convoluted dangerous paths were all dead ends that lead me to the edge of an emotional cliff. Had I known better, I would have equipped myself with the proper breadcrumbs or stones (google Hanzel and Gretyl) to find the way back home. At the time, I didn’t realize I had to. If you’re fortunate enough to discover such things about yourself early on, most likely you’ve spent your entire life building up your defenses to protect yourself. I, on the other hand, am just now figuring this stuff out and in the process of developing an effective strategy to win this spiritual war.

According to most rehab programs, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Subconsciously, narcopaths (aka narcissists and narcissistic sociopaths) seem to be my drug of choice. I realize now that all my life I’ve been addicted to toxic people and toxic people have been drawn to me. I’ve attracted narcs in all different forms from all walks of life-male, female, young, old, black, white, etc. I’ve had my fair share of toxic romantic relationships, situationships, and friendships. And just like any drug addiction, it’s a known fact to the user that the substance being abused is dangerous and harmful to themselves and possibly people around them. A tiny dose of narcissism is actually healthy, while a self-love deficit is downright destructive.

I believe my addiction stems from overcompensating for the lack of validation I give myself and seeking it outwardly in people who appear to have an inflated ego. Addicts crave the temporary high the drug provides because it’s an escape from the pressures of the real word. After the high wears off, they’re left feeling lower than where they started. They consume more and more until eventually the high they’re experiencing is no longer a high at all. The fix just becomes a way to feel normal. The toxicity in some sick twisted way is comfortable and familiar. Why familiar? Maybe one come from a family infested with mental illness/personality disorders and engaging with a toxic person feels like home (we’ll come back to this later). Why comfortable? Because it’s easy. It’s natural like predator and prey, yin and yang, or push and pull. Opposites attract. The psychopath, narcopath, and/or sociopath is soul-less and an empath is over abundant with love to give. The Psychopath, narcopath, and/or sociopath is void of all feelings for other people while an empath literally feels too much, often to their own detriment. It’s a match made in hell. An empath’s sensitivity and compassion are perceived as weaknesses and dangerous “paths” know exactly who to target. It’s not an accident. It’s all premeditated. They are excellent actors who use empaths as research projects. They are smart enough to know they need to mimic the empath’s authenticity to blend in with society and get what they want. Without this dynamic, life almost seems boring to a free spirit such as I. That’s where the addiction comes in. It’s like the difference between riding the Tea Cups or Space Mountain at Disney World. The tumultuous-ness is exciting and challenging. I personally mistake the constant ups, downs, and loop-arounds in my relationships as a substitution for the adventure I crave in life. As for the fallout? I can deal with the pain and heartache because it’s what I’m used to, it’s expected, and it’s…. yeah, you guessed it…familiar.

The need to heal others can become debilitating. I’m always willing to sacrifice my own well-being, to help others. This is highly problematic. Being an empath is a gift. But just like anything else, the gift can be a curse when it’s not being harnessed properly. To grow strong in my gifts, I must recognize my own weaknesses and behaviors that fuel the toxicity in my life.

I absorb other people’s emotions

Feeling sorry for someone and having empathy are two very different things. I’m the perfect dumping ground for others to unload their emotional baggage. I’ve had complete strangers tell me their life stories, ask for my opinion, or even cry on my shoulder. I literally feel what others are feeling as if I’m feeling it myself. When others are having a problem, I feel like it’s also my problem even though it’s really NOT my problem. It’s real PROBLEM!

My coping strategy/advice to self: Keep your inner circle limited to people who have your absolute best interest in mind. Kick anyone to the curb who doesn’t reciprocate.

I assume others think the way I do.

I walk through life believing everyone is innocent until proven guilty, instead of the other way around. I have a hard time truly believing people can be evil. This mentality can be just as bad as being overly paranoid. I never think people have bad intentions initially because I don’t, which keep my defenses down.

My coping strategy/advice to self: Pretend everyone is wearing a mask until you really know them. Ask questions and give it time.

I suppress my strong intuition.

I can’t think of a time when my gut feelings (especially negative ones) have NOT been 100% accurate, yet I still want to believe what I want to believe. Every time my Spidey senses go off, I ignore it because I secretly want to live in a fantasy land where everyone is honest, altruistic, and kind.

My coping strategy/advice to self: TRUST YOUR GUT!!!!!! Disconnect from those who constantly invalidate your feelings and act according to your instincts.

I have sh*tty boundaries.

Yeah, I let people walk all over me, use me, and discard me. Why? Because I’m concerned about other’s feelings more than my own. It’s pure insanity. My default auto-reply is always set to “yes”, even when it doesn’t serve me any positive purpose.

My coping strategy/advice to self: Practice saying “No” without explanation. If that’s too hardcore for now, take baby steps. Say “I’ll get back to you”, sleep on it, trust your gut like mentioned earlier, and then give a response.

I confuse self-love with self-centeredness.

I’m deathly afraid of coming across as conceited or selfish. I often dim my light to make others comfortable and hardly ever give myself the credit I deserve.

My coping strategy/advice to self: Imagine everyone is wearing shades. Tell yourself “I’m beautiful” out loud every morning and It’s never a bad thing to do what’s best for you.

I get overwhelmed by crowds of people.

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Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a social butterfly! But I’m also painfully shy (I hide it well). It’s extremely draining to be around a bunch of people, especially people I don’t know. If I spend 4 hours at a party, I need 8 hours alone in a room with the door shut. There needs to be balance. Without it, I get extremely depressed. I need complete alone time and space every single day to be able to function.

My coping strategy/advice to self: Meditate or create a routine that includes moments of solitude such as going for walk, the gym, take a hot bath, or shopping during non-peak hours. Utilize your lunch breaks, leave your desk, close your office door, or walk outside-whatever it takes to have time to yourself.

I have an insatiable need to “fix” people.

I constantly make excuses for sh*tty behavior. If a guy I’m seeing is being an a**hole, I’ll say to myself “he’s just having a bad day” or “it’s because he had a difficult childhood”. It all goes back to not wanting to believe that people aren’t inherently bad. I want everyone to be happy, and I often don’t understand that other people’s happiness it’s not my responsibility. Being an a**hole is a choice, and I must learn that there is nothing I can do to make someone else choose happiness within.

My coping strategy/advice to self: Focus on yourself! Do what makes you happy. It’s healthy!

While traveling on the road to self-acceptance, finding out who you are is a very powerful thing. With my newfound knowledge and “sobriety”, I can see all the warning signs clearly, avoid making wrong turns, and stay off dangerous paths. My brother, who is also an empath, tells me “Keep your GPS on God and you’ll always end up at the right place.” When you know yourself, you’ll find God, and the path to God starts and ends within you.

Tre Lynn Photography