Dirty Thirty (Part 2)

"It is in the thirties that we want friends. In the forties we know they won’t save us any more than love did." -F. Scott Fitzgerald

My BFFs from High School, who have always majorly supportive and encouraging (collectively, we call ourselves “Supernova”) heard me talk about my birthday wishes. They agreed with my narrative of being deprived of a proper birthday celebration and volunteered to get the ball rolling on making my dream a reality. At first, they had complete control with the planning process… that is until duties were overturned to my Mother, who insisted that she could do a better job. I mean, after all, she did create this monster. She should know me better than anyone, right? So out of respect, Supernova surrendered to her will, passed the birthday planning baton, and hoped for the best. In efforts to earn my mother's respect and prove himself to be a good boyfriend, Bambi Eyes supported her planning endeavors by offering his assistance. Every so often, I would drop little hints to Bambi Eyes about what I liked and wanted to do with hopes that word eventually penetrate my mother's ear drums. I was sure to emphasize that that the mall had to be involved and that I DID NOT want a party at my parent’s house. Whenever I'd bring it up, Bambi Eyes would reassuringly say, “We got this! We got you...” apparently frustrated at my perceived mistrust in his level of party planning competency. He guaranteed that my birthday would be awesome and that I had nothing to worry about. I trusted him, so I stopped hovering and turned my focus to my birthday outfit.

I prepared my outfit weeks in advance with multiple trips to the mall and personal fashion shows. I was so excited to showcase my new body in something totally sexy and trendy. Back in 2010, thanks to the popularity of Hollywood socialites like Kim K and Paris Hilton, bandage/body con dresses were all the rage and I worked really hard (two bootcamps a day to be exact) to have the body to wear one. I finally decided on a little black body-con mini dress in a size 0 (which is a size 10/12 in Torrid, back when they were still edgy) and paired it with a black beaded/rhinestone encrusted bra with some black patent leather 5 in stilettos. Yass Hunty! I was ready to show off the grown and sexiness!

The morning of my 30th birthday the sun was shining, and I woke up excited for the day ahead. Bambi eyes was given permission from my parents to spend the night downstairs on the couch. Early that morning, he came into my room, sat beside on me the edge of the bed, gave me a big warm hug, looked into my eyes, and said “Happy Birthday” ……. then he BURST into tears.

Now listen…Bambi Eyes has the body of a Greek god and very expressive, big deer-like brown eyes with thick long lashes, hence the impromptu nickname “Bambi Eyes”. He can do a one-armed chin-up as easily as he brushes his teeth. His body is super strong, but his heart is very sensitive (which is one of the reason’s I fell in love with him). Anywho….There’s just something about seeing a grown man (6'2 with broad shoulders) shedding real sincere tears, especially coming from those eyes back then, that got to me.

ME: “Bambi eyes, what’s wrong?”

I wiped the tears from his face as he was almost inconsolable.

Bambi Eyes: “I just wanted you to have a good birthday.”

My Brain: “Well damn, I just woke up and he’s already crying about MY day? How bad can it possibly be?”

After Bambi Eyes gathered himself, he said,

Bambi Eyes: “Ok, well get yourself ready because I’m dropping you off at the mall”

My Brain: "OK! So he's got the mall request part in there. We're off to a good start at least..."

So I got out the bed, and before I washed my a**, I hang my birthday outfit on my closet door. I snatched my hair back in a tiny bun (I was in the process of growing my hair back out), and put on some regular smegular mall attire- a cute and comfy denim shirt, knit shirt, and demin jacket. Bambi drops me off at the mall between 11AM and noonish. Naturally, I’m thinking that dropping me off at the mall was a way to get me out of the house while they prepare for my big birthday “surprise”. But what I thought would be a just a couple of hours turned into 6 HOURS!

When Bambi Eyes pulls up at the front entrance, I noticed he’s wearing the same clothes he dropped me off in. I’m trying to not sound annoyed like…

Me: “Well dang, I didn’t expect to stay at the mall THIS long. So where are we off to now? Are we going back home so I can change?”

Bambi Eyes: “No, we are going to your party now”

My Brain: "So they DID plan a party! But it’s not a surprise now…"

Me: “WHAT!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!??? But I have a whole outfit I planned weeks ago for this. You thought I’d go to my party in this outfit?”

Bambi Eyes, with those Bambi eyes, looks at me dumbfounded.

Bambi Eyes: “ Well, when I saw you get dressed this morning, I thought ‘ok, so that’s what she wants to wear for her birthday’.

Me: “HUH? You bullsh*ttin’ right? You saw me pick my outfit out! I hung it up on my closet door this morning! Why would you think this is what I was gonna wear all day?”

Bambi Eyes: “It doesn’t matter anyway. We don’t have time because it’s over @ 7”….

Me: “WHAT!!!! OVER AT 7???? IT’s 5:30! WTF!!!!? ….You know what, I DON’T CARE! I have to put on my birthday outfit! It’s mandatory!

My Brain: “Well maybe this is the set up. He doesn’t wanna go back to the house yet because the party is at the house? Aaaaaaah….that's it. ok then”

I hopped in the car and we make the 25 min trip back home from the mall. The time is now 5:55. As we pull up to the house, at that moment, all past year’s workouts has been put to the test. I Flo Jo-ed out of the car and bolted through the front door. Upon entry, I took a second to look around. I noticed that the house was empty and looked exactly as it did when I left that morning.

My Brain: “OK, so my party clearly isn’t here? WTF was he doing for 6 hours???”

I literally spun around like Wonder Woman and changed into my birthday outfit in seconds, grabbed my makeup bag and run back to the car.

The time is now 6PM.

Me: “So where are we going?”

Bambi Eyes: “Glen Burnie”

ME: “GLEN BURNIE!!!!! WTF!!!!”

Glen Burnie is about an hour south of Harford County.

I hopped back in the car and we hall ass down 95. The whole entire time I am putting on a full face of makeup in the overhead mirror. We fly pass the Harbor Tunnel toll and head towards the Glen Burnie exit. The time is now 6:45 (we made it in record time) and as I’m applying the final swipe of MAC dazzle glass lip gloss in shade “Via VenetoVia”, we pull up in front of a Chinese Buffet. (To Be continued……)